Newsletter
April 1, 2019

There’s lot going on in our world. Here’s a quick update of the most important news.

People/HR titles are changing quickly and it’s hard to know what to call the function. Here’s a simple, guaranteed way to create just the right for you.

Determine Your Ideal HR/People Title

Hottest Companies to Source From

When hiring managers give their recruiters a short-list of companies to source from, traditionally they point to the FAANGs: Facebook, Apple, Amazon, Netflix, and Google. But why stop there? We recommend that you try our new lists, shown below. In the words of our CEO, Valerie Frederickson, “Why focus on FAANG when you can also FART and BARF?”

Frederickson Partners Selected for White House Human Resources Executive Search

President Donald Trump selects Frederickson Partners to conduct the Head of HR search for the Office of Presidential Personnel. Valerie Frederickson states: “We are so happy to be working for a President who truly shares our values around fair pay, diversity and inclusion, and employee relations.”

Frederickson Partners Forced to Go Completely Vegan

“A good EA is hard to find and even harder to keep, and mine happens to be vegan,” says Valerie Frederickson. “I can’t keep him happy with wine and chocolate since most of that is not vegan or organic, so as a retention measure, I’ve decided to make our whole company vegan. Everything. Christian hates even thinking about thinking about people eating meat. Or fish. We will now only hire vegan employees and will only place vegan Chief People Officers. Interview attire must be plant-based and shoes must be Pleather. I’m sure any of you who have ever lost a great EA knows that this is the most practical choice and frankly, the only one.”

First Annual Human Resources Summer Camp

Have you always wanted to train to become a true People Person? Join us for a fun-filled week of fun and games at the new FAANG headquarters this summer. Learn how to wrangle reluctant interviewers, how to swim with the most aggressive sales sharks, compete in Accurate Employee Headcount Treasure Hunts, solve Whodunits like “Who did the CEO sleep with this time?” and “What did the Founder say now?” For math whizzes, join teams competing in stock option backdating, options calculations, and revising Black-Scholes. For more information on dates and location, click here.

People being replaced by Watson at Global Banks.

Following statements by John Cryan, former CEO of Deutsche Bank, that one day he would replace ½ his employees with machines and that they would be more accurate, Frederickson has started a new line of HR consulting where we transition 100% of your current jobs to computers. Valerie Frederickson states, “You’ll see your IT costs soar, but you’ll save on actual salaries and your bougie cold drink bill. And what you don’t pay for free yoga classes and healthy snacks, you can use toward your increased electric bill.”

Hot New HR Job: Vice President of Employee Relations for CEO’s Marriages

A group of naughty and uncompliant CEOs, mostly Founders, have banded together to retain Frederickson to conduct a search for a Vice President of Employee Relations for their combined current and future marriages. This unique individual should have a deep background in classic employee relations responsibilities such as investigations, policy setting, and exit package crafting. The role will report to all the current spouses of the CEOs and will establish and set policy for such timely issues as: When is a girlfriend really an employee versus a 1099 contractor? How do overtime rules apply? Does it matter if she doesn’t report directly to me? If I am already dating my bodyguard before I marry my next husband, who gets first dibs on my billions when we break up? When should sexual harassment lawsuits be grouped together to save time? What is the best way to conduct performance reviews on married employees who report to each other and are having affairs: anniversary date, focal, or just do random 360s while performing drug tests?

Very Short Survey Results:

Question: What CEOs Really Want from their Chief People Officer?

Answer: Wendy from Billions.

Bribe-O-Meter for Val’s twins’ college tuition

Inspired by the university bribing scandal where many CEOs and movie stars have gotten their kids into elite schools the old-fashioned way, bribery, Frederickson has started a fund so that Valerie can do the same for her nine-year old twins, Hermione and Dashiell. “Putting $1,500 a month per child into their 529 college funds is no longer enough. It will only accumulate several hundred thousand dollars per child, barely enough to cover tuition, room and board, books, spa bills, and a Tesla. And the only sports where my kids seem to be world class is tetherball and dog paddling. To guarantee their admission into my first choice, USC, I anticipate that I’ll need $4,000,000 per child in bribe money, plus incidentals such as photoshopping and paying for test monitors. If you’ve ever seen a photo of my kids and thought that they were cute but perhaps not really USC material, please chip in here.”

Upcoming Hoover Institute Corporate-Funded Study

Certain CEOs have joined together to fund a study which will prove beyond a doubt that there is no correlation between CEOs’ bad behavior and companies’ employee relations problems. In fact, any problem with a company culture whatsoever will be proven to be 100% the fault of the victim and should remain there. In cases where the victim won’t or cannot take full responsibility, the entire blame should be shifted to the Chief People Officer, who after all, is solely responsible the company culture and for anything bad that happens at their company.

New Product Review: Tuber the App for Terminations

There’s a new venture-funded startup who is combining two dreadful tasks into one easy and fun app: terminating employees and figuring out who will do the notification. With Tuber, from your mobile device you simply select whose employment you want to terminate, chose a date and time that works for you (never on a Friday!), and the app will automatically issue a calendar invitation with “Losing your job” in the Notes section so that the employee can be ready. Then, you select who owes you a big favor and will do the actual notification. Afterwards, both parties get to rate 1-5 stars for how well they performed, and they can leave each other tips. The best feature that we found was that after an employee is fired through Tuber, they are immediately redirected to Uber’s hiring page so that they can sign up and be re-employed as a driver by end-of-day. No muss, no fuss, and you as the manager can stay far, far away. Valerie Frederickson tried it out herself and said, “Once I plowed through all the kids’ games apps my twins had loaded onto my phone and figured out which one Tuber actually was, it was super simple. I ended up firing myself and notifying myself twice in a row because I wasn’t sure it had gone through but gave myself a severance package each time, so I actually ended up ahead. I recommend it for those times when George Clooney and Anna Kendrick are not available or are not cost-effective to go fly around and conduct the terminations themselves.”

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